Mr. Osama, can you hear me? Mr. Osama?
Bubble … bubble … bubble
I think I have made contact with the departed soul. Mr. Osama, can you hear me?
Yes, where am I? Is this heaven?
No, sir, you are at the bottom of the sea.
Sea? Hmmm … yes, it does seem that way. Am I dead?
Well, yes. Kind of.
Hmm … how did I die?
I was hoping you could tell me that.
All I remember is that it was night and I was waiting for the Kakul guys to get my dinner, and then I heard these ’copters and thought maybe the Kakul guys were throwing me a surprise party or something and I got very excited, and …
The Kakul guys used to give you dinner?
Well, yes. Biryani on Mondays and Tuesdays, chicken chowmein on Wednesdays, steak on Thursdays, mixed veggies on Saturdays and Sundays …
And on Fridays?
On Fridays I used to call them over for dinner. One of my wives makes a darn good Yemeni stew.
I see. So they knew you were hiding there?
Of course, they did! They’re my wives!
I mean the Kakul guys.
Oh. Well, according to their intelligence reports, I was some rich Arab camel breeder and exporter.
Really? They didn’t bother to cross-check?
Let’s just say, I was not on their radar.
Must be the same radar that failed to pick the American ’copters …
I tell you, my men have better radars, hehehe … bubble, bubble..
By the way, you said that I was in hiding?
Weren’t you in hiding?
Not at all!
Then why did the Americans take 10 years to find you?
Those fools don’t know much about caves.
But you weren’t hiding in a cave, sir.
My friend, let me tell you, all of Pakistan is one big cave!
Then did the Pakistanis really know you were in the country all along?
My friend, they wouldn’t have been Pakistanis had they not known. Hehe … bubble, bubble.
So you are saying they knew?
Well I was … excuse me, I think I have a fish stuck in my ear. *Plop!* Ah, a red snapper! So, what were you saying? By the way, what is your name, brother?
Abdul Qadir Awami Badami
That is a strange name. Are you by any chance a Hindu?
Hmm … I guess I will have to kill you anyway.
But you are dead.
Oh, right, of course. Then I guess I will kill some fish instead.
Are you a seafood fan?
No, I just like killing infidels.
Yes, you have a problem with that, you idol worshipper!
How can fish be infidel?
Look at them! Swimming in the sea, all naked!
But they are fish!
And stark naked! Shameless.
Whatever, tell us about your stay in Pakistan…
It reminded me of home.
No, Afghanistan, but with better cars and escalators.
But you’re a Saudi.
I’m a Muslim first. The best there was. And if you disagree I will get you killed. You are a Christian Crusader anyway.
Any difference between human beings and Muslims?
Of course there is. That is why we only kill human beings.
But you and your al Qaeda and Taliban friends have killed thousands of Pakistani Muslims.
They were all bad Muslims.
How can you say that?
I don’t say. I blow!
No, you say, while others blow...
Those who blow have true faith.
Even the small children and infants who have died in these attacks?
So people who blow themselves up in mosques, shrines and markets are the only true Muslims?
It is much more complicated than that. A very complex concept.
You see, only those Muslims who blow themselves up in mosques, shrines and markets are the only true Muslims.
But that’s what I said.
I see … you Hindu!
Why did you say that?
Because you worship idols.
But to some, you are an idol too.
I am an ideal.
A pretty violent one though.
But I’m not forcing my beliefs on you.
That is because you are a chicken!
So I should impose them on you?
Yes. Come on, I invite you to convert to my faith. Where is your suicide jacket?
I deal in suicide jackets, not wear them, fool.
I know so many Muslims who are nothing like you.
They are not Muslims!
Then who are they?
Human beings! Ugh!
But I thought a good Muslim also meant being a good human being.
Well, as I … excuse me, I think I see a shark approaching.
Why don’t you move from there?
No worries. You know that red snapper that got stuck in my ear?
Well, I trained it to become a suicide bomber. It just exploded over the shark’s head!
But the shark did not attack you!
But it could have.
You’re sounding like George W. Bush. He, too, was into pre-emptive strikes, remember?
Ah, good ol’ Bushy. He was good for my business. But this Obama guy turned out to be different.
Different, how? In policy and in strategy?
No, in colour. He is black.
A human being, nevertheless.
That is the problem. The whole world should be Muslim, instead.
Yes, just like Bush wanted the whole world to become American.
Ah, good ol’ Bushy. Those were the days. Right, I guess I’ll kill you now.
But you’re dead. Buried deep in the sea.
They buried me here?
Yes, the Americans buried you in the sea.
Wow! Has Obama converted to Islam?
What do you mean? You were a Salafi, right?
Yes. I am amazed. How did he know we didn’t believe in marked graves?
But some of your fans around the world are criticising him for not giving you a decent Muslim burial.
So you are happy that they buried you in the sea?
Of course! Otherwise bad Muslims would have made a shrine at my grave. We blow up shrines, you know.
Yes I do. But this is amazing. You are actually happy at what Obama did?
Yes, but minus the shooting-me-in-the-head part, of course.
So you do remember that you were shot in the head?
Well, I really do have this bad headache and … well, I’ll be dammed! There’s a hole in my head! The buggers did shoot me!
Yes, who else? The Pakistanis?
So Pakistanis weren’t at all involved in your assassination?
Well, their only contribution to this was that on that fateful, tragic night they delayed my dinner. Buggers. Had to be shot on an empty stomach.
But the Taliban are blaming them and saying that now their top target is Pakistan.
Really? What was our top target before my death? Guatemala?
You tell me.
Hmmm … better warn Mullah Omar.
Why, is he hiding in Pakistan too?
Follow the dinner trail, follow the dinner trail …
So the Pakistanis did know you were there, right?
Pakistanis don’t know where they themselves are, forget about knowing where I was. What is the Pakistani media saying?
Some of their TV anchors seem shocked and sad.
Yes, one of them once worked as a cook for me and another used to give me great massages.
Can you name them?
No. Don’t want to give them undue importance. Let the ISI do that.
The ISI gives them importance?
Sort of. They give the ISI great massages too.
Can you be more specific?
Yes, I can. I. Want. To. Behead. You. You. Hindu. How is that for being specific, you cunning Jew?
Chicken! Come on fight me, you Buddhist coward!
I am disconnecting from you now. May God deal with you in whatever way he thinks you are to be dealt with.
Darn. I almost forgot. You are right. Now I will have to meet the maker. Do you think he likes seafood?
Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.